What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:35
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?
Ive learnt so much.
Would this be the day?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
How does a man look at you when he is in love?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She wouldn,t have been !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
All the time i was locked up.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She loved him until the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is soul school!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot live in the past .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Who then, do I blame.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My life is so biszare .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.